A rough few days...

Did you say for a "chocolate cookie?ok!"

"NO"

The last several days have been very difficult. Sorry its been 10 days since my last post! I have again, lots and lots of large bruises. Landon has lots of scraps and bruises and the dogs are carrying a few under the fur I am sure. Liberti WAS/is happy this past week though with lots of smiles, affection and laughter as odd as that sounds. The problems mostly come to me still when I have to have control, give guidance or rules. Not surpsrising of course. And she has shown some more afffection to Landon but unfortunetly it is almost always followed by anger or violence. Almost as if she has found a way around the immediate hitting we witnessed in her first weeks. For example she says "Landon sit Liberti" Meaning come sit with liberti. Then after a minute or so she elbows him very hard in the stomach while they are both just sitting watching tv beautifully as I sit near. The day before yesterday he went to turn the channel on the satalite box and she quickly came over to him, (I am only a few feet, maybe 5 at most, away watching them of course) and I tell her its ok as she's already watched her 30 minute show and she picked him up and threw him like she was super woman. I thought OH MY, I was so close but I couldn't stop it. With wood laminate floors and his little body, He layed with a bloody mouth and bruised. Of course her reaction was an immediate "Sorry Landon". She has come to believe that she can do anything as long as she follows with an immediate Sorry. That will take time and I explain over and over sorry has a meaning and that you cant do something on purpose to hurt someone and say sorry to stay out of trouble. Earlier in the week when letting them ride their bikes at the park, Landon had decided riding was too much and he wanted to run. Liberti quickly chased him with her bike as I ran yelling to her stop and him to move to the side. You know what happened next of course. She ran into him, and then over him. I watched him skid across the blacktop and then his little leg, back, arm run over with her wheels and training wheels, I began to cry. She wouldnt stop until he was laying bloody and crying histerical of course. She then stopped said sorry Landon, laughed and took off riding as fast as she could. Needless to say she was grounded from her bike until today when she finally got that privelage back only to lose it again for running purposely into my sister and then into Landon's bike. I have to continue to remind myself that it has only been a short time. To be honest, without that, I could easily be losing my head and pulling out my hair. I mean that litterally. I know that, as you guys have read over and over again, I expect steps forward then steps back. So it is what it is. Im not sure how many of you have ever had contact with a child that has such severe issues but it is difficult at best. But it isnt every single second of violence, hurting or tears. It is a constant draining battle though. We had our social worker here for one of our post placement visits. She encouraged me that what we are doing is right on. We discussed alot about punishments, goals, expectations, and so on. It was good to hear that we are still moving in the right direction. That we should hope for her to move forward every day but that we may not see any real progress for months. That she needs very clear boundaries. Which of couse we know and have been doing. We also use a reward board. They have good and bad colums and they get stickers that they have to place for their good and bad behavior and they can see what the rewards are or lack of privelages. They get them in the morning and evening before bed. This has some affect but not much yet, for Liberti. Of course Landon thinks about the board all day and asks if he does this... what sticker will he get? good or bad? and can he get one for... LOL When they hug each other I am so touched. It is ussually initiated by Landon but I think that she may learn to trust him or hopefully rub off on her. A dream? I hope not. She hasnt talked about wanting Keelung or Keelung Mommy and daddy for some time until yesterday when she said eeggas and I said no say eggs and she said Keelung Mommy said eega's. Even when she cries in time out she cries to me, for me, or saying ma ma mommy sorry. Beggin to get out after about 4 or 5 tries and getting put back in. But hey she stays after these several tries, screaming at the top of her lungs of course but she is sitting there. I dont mean to depress everyone about teh goary details of our homelife, and I know you guys may be thinking wow....and probalby not too many other words to describe that but it is what it is. this is our life now. The last 2 days were pretty tiring for me and I think that is because we are at 4 weeks now and it is wearing me down a bit. Yesterday after she kicked a all wood tv tray as hard as she could into me, becaseu se asked for a glass of water which I got her and she then decided she wanted me to take it back right then. (control) when I explained to her that I just brought her the water she asked for that if she decided seh didnt want it she needed to take it to the kiteched and she said no you and I explained again, she screamed no You and kicked the table and the water into me and across the room, I had enough and actually picked her up and brought her into her room and told ehr to stay until she calmed down. In reality I dont like to have them sent to their rooms for punishments as I feel that needs to feel like a safe happy place for them, but i needed her out of my site. I felt so so so guilty for that the rest of the day. I thought I really was losing my patience. It was painful and messy and in front of Landon. And I had to think of all those things at the time. It is just draining. Hopefully you all don't think any less of me for being so honest all the time. When I talked with our agency rep the other day she talked about some of the issues that other families had recently. I knew when the families were traveling but never any issues after. I thought I wish I would have known some of those things earlier. They also had techniques that the therapist had given that are helpful to know. So I think everytime I go to post or not, someone somewhere may read our story and feel less alone, and may find something helpful. On the groups laltely the families have been so much more forthright and honest about their feelings after returning home but still more people have replied to us privelty than what we ever read about. There just isnt info out there about family issues with extremely difficult children. It is such a private matter of course so it is difficult to share and on top of that there is so very very little time to blog or post about things when you have this many issues. Still at the end of the day if nothing else, it is just simply theraputic however boreing or unpleasent it is to some. We are very lucky that people have been so supportive and given us lots of great advice and encouragement. I have found the biggest problem with tapping into my "people"resources is that my only free time is lat enight, when peole are sleeping. That leaves me lonely and blogging LOL

Talking with Laura from FFC and Lori from adoption support services (our homestudy sw) were very helpful and as we all feel a continued part of this process I am happy to have their involvment. I must say that for us anywya, I never felt threatened to share what was going on with eithe rof them. For one we had to have lots of stuff documented for our family safety but to have their support meant a lot. They have experience and can share other resources and ideas that they hav elearned along the way. Things they think work or dont. Things they have learned at conventions/confrences that are helpful. Also family feedback helps our agency try to help Taiwan understand the importance of the sharing of information and the importance of meetings with children that are not directly in their care but whose adoptions are being coordinated by and through them.

She started back to school today. She went in fine and was happy to see me when she got in the car. She wont eat at school though and that has been an issue. I send her with a luch but she doenst eat it. If I out cookins in it as a snack she wil eat those only. So today I didnt sent cookies of course but I did send crackers that she loves. She didnt eat them. But she ate as soon as she got home at 2:45. too long to go without eating though. She has money in her lunch account so she can also buy luch ther eif she likes anything. I'm sure as she gets more comfortable seh will eat. until then I will remain a normal worried mommy that she will starved to death. Especially on days that she also refuses to eat much breakfast.

So our household is functioning however disfunctional it is at this point. We are all still alive. There are still some sounds of laughter however sinical at times. I am still sane, how I dont know. Or atleast I think I am LOL mabye you all can tell me better :) i am exhausted as we all are. The kids both have colds. Yes, Landon too again. That never makes things easy. Liberti hastn slept well since thanksgiving until yesterday and tonight when she went to bed by 9! WOW that is so nice. Oh yeah she was woke and was awake from 10ish to 1 am last night though. Darn, forgot that but hey its 12:41 and she is still sound asleep tonight! guess I better get that way if I want any patience to last tomorrow. She still refusses most pictures and actually gets pretty ticked off when you take them. Se gives you a look that is most times followed by closed eyes or covered face and a whole lot of no no no's lol. I am adding a photo I got of that look while we were in Taiwan for you to see why we dont have a whole lot more!