Mark 6 weeks! Is that it?

There are several people who keep asking how I am doing it? Some days I wonder myself to be honest. It is day by day, remembering our comitment early on, knowing what we would do and how far we would go to help a biological child knowing it has to be the same and so on and so forth. If we found out 6 years too late that our child had been abused in any manor be it physical, emotional or sexual what would we do? If we found that our child had turned into a disturbed and disrupted child do to something that had happened in the past, that we did not know, what would we do to help? How long would we help? Is it exactly like this? No. Are there things that families can handle and things they cant? Absoultely, in my opinion. We still feel that is what our commitment was in the begining and has to be still. What about comiting to the unknown? Something you were not told? Isn't that what we agreed to in adoption and are suppose to commit to? Is there still an olbigation to be had as adoptive parents when issues of this statue arise? These are just a couple of the things we ask ourselfs and talk about with each other. The bigest concern of the comitment is still if we can help our daughter heal faster than our son or family can be torn apart? At this point we lean toward the positive atleast for most days. I have to admit that this may not be my view 6 months from now but for now these are some of the thoughts I hold on to. And with Gregs trust in me our family moves forward. Some of the things I have to think in our everyday interacting with Liberti and her words and actions to us are...

No dont touch!= It still feels weird when you touch me
I love you NO!=I feel guilty for caring about you too
No! No! No!= I feel scared and confused, this is different
No! I like Keelung.= I still miss them and I dont know how to love another family yet

I try to think of things when it is painful to hear the other. It is important to stay positive, be loving and show compasion every second. We have to help our daughter learn how to have these qualities. Still needing the boundaries and structure all the while. There are still other difficult things to consider as well. Imagine your child falls very very very hard. So hard it hurt you to watch and you know they are in pain but when you go to hug them and scoop them up to help ease the pain, you are pushed away. Imagine every time you instinctively give a hug or a kiss it is wiped away quickly no matter how normal everything seemed. Imagine that you watched your child confused, sad, lost and along and wish to comfort them and they push you away still. That you go to buckle their seat belt and they are appauled. That you brush their hair out of their eyes and they scream "NO" and pull away. Life is not what it once was. The things that I have to think abou tto stay strong are things you could not imagine when researching adoption or taking the adoption classes. Tehya re things you can ot fully understand or prepare for when considering adoption. Just like a child that is prepared for their own adoption can not fully understand what they are about to feel or lose. It is painful from all sides. I had no idea just how much the issues of an older child would impact everyone in our lives let alone our son. So to answer that question again, i am not sure just how we are getting through it aside of a good day here and there, remembering all these things, and believing that God lead us to our daughter and he will lead her to us. Most of all we feel that we have made it this far by the support of all of you, our friends, our family and our fellow bloggers. Without the comments, emails, and calls we would feel alot more alone that we do. Though we cant get back to everyone at this point I do want you all to know that we so appreciate it and we do read everything sent to us through these ways. I cant say that all teh feedback that I have gotten has been positive, and I knew by being so honest we were sure to ruffle some feathers, I am still happy that I have continued to allow other families into our lives at this point. If the time comes where we begin to recieve more negative feedback then positive then I may have to rethink keeping this a public blog, for now I hope some can still get something out of it. We need you all.

We had a good weekend. Liberti did ok with Greg on Saturday and but much better on Sunday. We filled Friday, Saturday and Sunday with Decorating the tree, a picnic at the park and playground, riding bikes at the lake, the sand box, and then onto the Christmas festival for Santa Clause and pony rides. One example of her actions is when Liberti took a nap. Greg and I decided to lay on the couch and catch a movie while the kids rested. When she woke up she came to us and climbed ontop of the both of us and layed down. it was soemthing totally out of character for her. She doesnt ussually show affection unless she wants somethings, needs something or you are having lots of fun with her. It felt really natural. She stayed for a while and even let us cuddle her a bit! Huge deal. The rest of the day went well with episodes like this. Allowing us to take a few pictures and play with her. What a day. At the end of the night we played a few games including skin to skin contact which she did really well with. We are working on touchig and playing without aggression. We do all the little things that you woudl do with an infant or toddler like "this littel piggy", or when you touch my face I make this expression, We do this for about 20 minutes or until she is no longer complient or agreeable. Then she drew a picture of herself with a smile. That is not normal either. We get lots of unhappy faces or pictures of keelung mommy. But this time it was her with a smile. Then she also had 4 hearts she drew next to her. She told me the hears were us, mommy, daddy, Landon and Liberti. How sweet is that? I smiled hugged her and held back a lot of tears. One day can go a LONG LONG way :)